


Two Psychopaths Walk Into a Bookshop

by cunzy4



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - Character Swap, But the fun kind, Crack, Dark!Aziraphale, DiP/Repo verse, Gen, Prompt Fic, Torture, dark!Gabriel, discord made me do it, mutual torture, two jerks get their comeuppance, you know who you are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27552832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cunzy4/pseuds/cunzy4
Summary: Repo!Gabe ends up in Dip!Aziraphale's shop for his scheduled appointment. Neither angel is amused by this, and take measures to incapacitate the other. Unfortunately, those measures cancel each other out.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 23
Collections: DiP-Repo-verse Crossover Works





	Two Psychopaths Walk Into a Bookshop

**Author's Note:**

> HERE YOU GO PEEPS, THE THING YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR FOR LIKE THREE HOURS
> 
> This is for the Dip-Repo-verse channel on The Repossessed discord server, linked at the bottom.
> 
> If you haven't read @dreamsofspike's fics Repossessed and Descent Into Perdition, this probably won't make a lot of sense. If you have read them, this still won't make sense. The Dip/Repo verse channel is a bit of a rabbit hole tbh.

Gabriel was _furious._

Not only had his slave disappeared in front of his eyes, he had apparently been _summoned._ By _Aziraphale_ , no less. That was just insulting.

He stood in a precisely drawn circle of runes in the middle of Aziraphale’s building full of weird human things. The circle glowed softly, cutting Gabriel off from his Heavenly power and preventing him from stepping out of it. Aziraphale stood before him, chalk on his hands, appearing for all intents and purposes to have summoned Gabriel on _purpose._

“Aziraphale. What is the meaning of this?” he demanded, staring down his nose at his former subordinate. 

**“** I was about to ask you the same thing,” Aziraphale said. “You’re _late,_ Gabriel. You know how I feel when you don’t show up.”

Gabriel scoffed. “And since when do I care about your feelings?”

“You should care very much about my feelings, Gabriel,” Aziraphale said coldly. “I must say I’m not pleased with your behavior today. And here I thought we’d been making so much progress…”

Gabriel couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Aziraphale, of all angels, was talking back to him like he actually had a right to be doing so. The pathetic doormat had _never_ done that, even when Gabriel had deliberately goaded him with a backhanded compliment or unwarranted criticism, trying to get a rise out of him so he could justify a reprimand. Aziraphale was definitely _not_ acting like himself. In fact, it was almost as if…

Gabriel’s face scrunched into a perplexed frown as he tried to wrap his mind around this puzzle. Aziraphale wore a similar expression as the two sized each other up with fresh eyes.

This was not the cowering, fretful Aziraphale he’d always known. This Aziraphale stared him in the eyes, his hands still instead of endlessly fidgeting, with the confident assurance of someone who was used to getting their way.

“You’re not my Gabriel, are you?” Aziraphale said, slightly quicker on the uptake as always. Gabriel didn’t like the possessive way he said _my Gabriel._ It reminded him of the tone he used when speaking to Crowley during their “alone time.”

“I’m not your anything, Aziraphale,” Gabriel snapped. “Now if you know what’s good for you, you’ll let me out of this circle and _maybe_ I’ll forget this whole thing ever happened.”

Aziraphale wasn’t even listening. He’d crossed to a bookshelf near his desk and was flipping through an ancient-looking tome, muttering to himself. Gabriel caught the words “multiverse theory” and “parallel timelines” before he decided he didn’t particularly care to solve the riddle of what space-time nonsense had led to him being in a world where Aziraphale was actually _assertive._

“Aziraphale,” he said. 

Still engrossed in his book, the other angel ignored him.

“ _Aziraphale,”_ Gabriel repeated. Finally, Aziraphale looked up.

“Yes?” he said testily.

Gabriel was not accustomed to being ignored. He was even less accustomed to being treated like an annoyance. He didn’t much care for the feeling.

“You will release me from this circle. Right now.” He had switched from his “I’m your boss but also your friend” voice to his “imminent smiting” voice. When Gabriel decided to lay down the law, no one said _no_ to him.

Except, apparently, this strange upside-down version of Aziraphale.

“No, I don’t think I will,” said Aziraphale. “Clearly, you need to be taught a lesson. Just like my Gabriel did.”

“Funny,” Gabriel said after a beat of shocked silence. “I was about to say the same to you.”

Stashed in Gabriel’s inner jacket pocket was a metal collar of the same variety that Crowley wore. It would restrict an angel’s power just as easily as it would a demon’s, and Gabriel was counting on that fact. All he needed was for Aziraphale to step close enough that he could reach his neck…

Gabriel’s hand closed around the collar while Aziraphale’s back was turned, rummaging in one of his desk drawers. Stealthily he slipped it out of his pocket, waiting for the right moment to strike. 

“Now then,” Aziraphale said, turning back to Gabriel and stepping right to the edge of the circle. “I think we-” 

He cut off with a yelp as Gabriel grabbed him by his bow tie and yanked him into the circle. Before Aziraphale could regain his balance, Gabriel snapped the collar shut around his neck. 

“That’s more like it,” he said triumphantly. He tried to shove Aziraphale to the ground, but the other angel had a grip on his wrist to hold himself up. Before Gabriel could shake him off, he felt something close around his wrist.

“What-” Gabriel stumbled back as a wave of dizziness washed over him, letting Aziraphale drop to the ground. “What have you-”

There was a strange golden bracelet around his wrist. For an instant it was cold, then it began to heat up against his skin. Gabriel yanked at it fruitlessly, finding it unable to be removed. Across the circle, Aziraphale was doing the same thing with the collar.

“What is the meaning of-” Aziraphale started.

“What did you just-” Gabriel said at the same time. They both cut off and glared at each other. 

“I don’t know what you think you’re playing at,” Gabriel snarled, “but you’re going to regret this for the rest of eternity.”

The remote was in his hand. Before Aziraphale could say anything, Gabriel flicked the setting up to 8.

Gabriel wouldn’t call himself a sadist. Granted, he took great pleasure in torturing Crowley every day, but Crowley was a _demon._ That hardly counted. Aside from his little hobby, Gabriel considered himself a very lenient and understanding person. Practically a pacifist, really.

Still, he wouldn’t deny feeling a spark of vindictive satisfaction at watching Aziraphale double over with a scream of anguish. The other angel had been such an annoyance for the past fifteen minutes, and there was a certain feeling of justice in watching him receive his comeuppance for that now.

After a long minute of watching Aziraphale writhe in pain, Gabriel took pity on him and turned the dial back down to 1. Aziraphale went limp on the floor, gasping for air. 

“Now,” he said. “Are you going to- oh.” He had taken a step backward, and found himself outside the circle. Apparently Aziraphale’s flailing had scuffed it enough to render it broken.

“Well then, I suppose I don’t need you anymore,” Gabriel sneered, raising his hand to snap himself back to Heaven.

Nothing happened.

Gabriel snapped again, immediately suspecting a trick. Was there a second circle? Was the entire bookshop guarded against other angels?

Then he registered a flare of pain from the metal bracelet every time he tried to access his powers. Was this gaudy trinket made to function the same way as the collar?

Well, there was an easy way to fix that. Gabriel strode to where Aziraphale was slowly getting to his feet, and grabbed him by the bow tie again to hoist him up to eye level.

“Take this off _now,”_ he snarled, waving the bracelet in his face. “Unless you want to see the damage that collar can _really_ do.”

“Fine,” Aziraphale gasped breathlessly. “I’ll take it off.”

Gabriel smirked in triumph. This rebellious Aziraphale had turned out to be a pushover after all, and all it had taken was a little bit of pain. He watched Aziraphale reach for the bracelet, and was taken completely off guard an instant later when Aziraphale grabbed his other wrist, fast as a striking snake, and wrapped another bracelet around it.

“Hey!” Gabriel shouted, shoving Aziraphale away and grabbing at the new annoyance. Upon closer examination as he tried to pry it off his wrist, he saw that it was not a bracelet but a watch, of undoubtedly fine make but with a blank face.

“That’s enough of the surprise jewelry, Aziraphale,” Gabriel snapped. “If you don’t stop-”

He shrieked in an undignified manner as pain shot up his arm. Aziraphale’s face was pale but his stance was determined as he fiddled with a ring on his finger, sending waves of pain through Gabriel's body.

It was a struggle to stay standing, but Gabriel managed to put a hand on the remote and twist the dial again. He didn’t see the number he’d turned it to, but it was sufficient to send Aziraphale back to the ground with another scream. Gabriel gritted his teeth and waited for the other angel to submit and turn off the watch.

He didn’t feel himself fall over when the pain suddenly increased, but he must have, because now his face was pressed against the floor and his limbs were spasming uncontrollably.

“B-bastard,” he growled, fumbling for the remote and turning it up another notch. He could barely hear the resulting scream through the ringing in his ears.

At this rate, he would lose consciousness before Aziraphale turned off the watch. If Aziraphale also passed out because Gabriel could no longer turn off the collar, neither of them would be able to turn off the other’s pain. He didn't know if it would be bad enough to discorporate him, but he didn't want to find out.

He had to concede. Just this once. With shaking hands, he turned the dial back down to 1. A moment later, his own pain mercifully faded away.

Gabriel and Aziraphale both lay on their backs, staring at the ceiling while they recovered their bearings. Finally Gabriel managed to turn his head to look at Aziraphale.

“Take these off,” he rasped, tasting blood on his lips. He’d bitten his tongue at some point.

“You first,” Aziraphale croaked.

“Never,” Gabriel growled, going for the remote again.

A few more minutes of screaming later, Aziraphale gave in and turned off the watch. Gabriel let him suffer for a few more moments before cranking down the dial. They stared at each other without words, both waiting for the other to crack.

Aziraphale blinked. Gabriel snatched at the remote. Aziraphale was too fast for him.

An interminable time of alternating torture and angry stare-downs later, neither of them had the upper hand. They had wrestled for the remote a few times, but they were both too exhausted to get one over the other anymore.

“How about… we call… a truce?” Aziraphale finally suggested where he was slumped against a bookshelf.

“Over your... dead body,” Gabriel growled, turning up the dial again and groaning at the answering wave of pain from the watch. They both turned it off after a few seconds, unwilling to draw out the other’s torture if it meant prolonging their own.

“What if… same time?” Gabriel mumbled, not even sure if Aziraphale could hear him anymore, but received an answering nod.

It took them both a few minutes to crawl and shuffle their way within reach of each other. 

“Give me the remote,” Aziraphale said.

“Give… me the ring,” Gabriel countered.

Gabriel slid the remote across the remaining distance between them while Aziraphale removed the ring from his finger and tossed it to him. Gabriel quickly stashed it away in a pocket, watching Aziraphale do the same with the remote.

“Now,” Gabriel indicated Aziraphale’s neck and his own wrists. “Off.”

Aziraphale nodded, no more energy left for speaking. He took hold of the watch around Gabriel’s wrist while Gabriel reached for the collar. His hands were slick and shaking, but he tried his best to undo the enchantment holding the collar closed.

A few moments of silent fumbling later, they reached the same conclusion simultaneously.

“I can’t take it off,” Gabriel whispered.

“Me neither,” Aziraphale whispered back.

They pulled back and stared at each other with the dawning horror of two people who had suddenly found themselves aboard the same sinking ship. Without his miracles, Gabriel couldn’t remove the collar from Aziraphale’s neck, and it was obvious the opposite was also true.

“What do we do?” Aziraphale said finally.

Abruptly Gabriel was angry again. “What do you mean, _we?_ ” He shoved at Aziraphale without much strength. “This is all your fault! You should find a way to fix it!”

“You’re the archangel here, you fix it! You’re the boss for a reason, aren’t you?”

“And as your boss, I’m telling you to fix it!”

“Well, I can’t fix it!” Aziraphale shouted.

“Then I guess we’re stuck!” Gabriel shouted back.

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

They both lapsed into grumpy silence as the gravity of their situation truly sunk in. Gabriel was alone on an alternate version of Earth, where no one knew where he was, completely alone and without miracles at the hands of an angel who hated him. Aziraphale was equally in trouble, since he had no delusions that Gabriel would not smite him the moment he was freed from the cuff and the watch.

They truly were stuck.

* * *

Three hours later, Crowley sauntered into the back room and stopped short, taken aback by the sight of two angels sitting on the sofa, glaring in opposite directions.

Crowley stared for a moment, taking in the sight.

“I think you both have some explaining to do,” he finally said.

**Author's Note:**

> https://discord.gg/S5VSesV5Xd
> 
> Join us for endless angst and fun! (sadists and sociopaths only)


End file.
